31 Days of Halloween: Day 15, Hocus Pocus

The middle part of the month is a good time to move onto something more fun to avoid burning out. I can't think of much better than what is likely my favorite Disney movie. I've likely seen it close to a hundred times and I still love to watch it. Even as an adult I can appreciate it. Just a classic.

I know! I'm excited too!

In the year 1693 a coven of witches, the Sanderson sisters are casting a spell to make themselves young again. They claim the soul a young girl and become youthful again, her brother attempts to save her but is transformed into a black cat. But later the witches are captures by the angry folks of Salem and hung. But not before they cast a spell where they will be returned to life if a virgin lights a special candle in their home. Skip ahead 300 years to modern day Salem and our main protagonist Max Dennison, who, while trying to impress a girl breaks into the Sanderson sister's home and lights the candle. Completing the ritual and bringing the sisters back from the dead. Not only that, they want the soul of Max's little sister. Now the kids have to find a way to get rid of the sisters and avoid falling victim to their magic. Sounds a touch intense at times, but I think that makes it a good thing for parents and kids to watch and be satisfied.

Beautiful.

The thing I've admired most about Hocus Pocus is just how gorgeous the whole production is. Disney manages to turn the exterior shots in Salem during the spring into a fall wonderland. Everything about it scream Halloween. You would know what night of the year it was even if you were never told specifically. The costumes and makeup are incredible. The sisters being older at the beginning is done well and the zombie effects for Billy are great. Doug Jones even put live moths in his mouth that fly out at one point in the movie. That's some dedication right there. You can say whatever you want about Disney but they always make a pretty movie and put everything into set design. Makes the experience all the better for it.

Tough crowd.

I can't say I've met a person who doesn't at least like Hocus Pocus and most people adore it, especially if they grew up around the time it came out. I watch it every October and if you have kids, you probably should too. It's easy to get your hands on as soon as fall hits. I can't endorse it enough.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 14, Smiley (2012)

Before we start. I refuse to go to any place that could possibly gives views or visits to the film, Smiley. So I'm not going to grab pictures. I don't want anyone under the false idea that someone actually wanted to view their material.

I talked about The Den not that long ago. A great, suspenseful film that has you on the edge of your seat and shows us just how big the internet is in our lives and how it can be used to harm us or frighten us. Well, before I ever saw The Den, I saw Smiley. I had no idea just how terrifying the internet could be until I saw Smiley. Now Smiley is scary in a whole different way. Smiley is scary in the idea that a movie like it ever saw the light of day. The writer should have burned the script and never looked back, because Smiley is just terrible and shitty.

For the life of me I can barely remember the plot of this shit show. I think it's about two girls in high school who spend all their time on Omegle or something. They learn the urban legend of a killer called Smiley who shows up and kills the other person you're looking at on camera if you type, and I shit you not, "I did it for the lulz." three times on the chat window. It's like an idiotic version of the Candy Man. So, anyway, this stupid looking killer shows up and stabs a person on camera... so scary. You know what? Smiley doesn't even deserve this much. The plot fucking sucks. It ends up leading to a twist that would make a Shyamalan shake his head at how stupid it was. Whoever wrote this movie must have sat down and watched a bunch of good horror and thought to themselves, "I can totally do that to. I'll just take all the good parts of these and put them together. How can it fail?". Unfortunately talent is a factor in this sort of thing and the writer had none. So the twist at the end of the movie is that every character but one is in on the plot and all are trying to kill her dressed as Smiley. They all smugly gloat about how they tricked the hell out of a dead girl and disperse to post on their tumblr or something. Oh but it's not over. The main douche in charge decides to type the magic phrase while talking to one of the other conspirators and... OH MY GOD! Smiley is actually real! So damn stupid.

Smiley could be pointed to as an example of the phrase, artistically bankrupt. It steals elements from many many better movies and does none of it well. Before I forget, Smiley also has abysmal acting and special effects. If I had been unlucky enough to see this in a theater I would have lit it on fire and waited gladly for the police to take me away. Never ever watch this. Even if it's free and you're bored. No amount of alcohol could make this a fun experience. By the end of watching this we were all just talking about better movies to watch. Fuck Smiley. I'm out.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 13, V/H/S (2012)

This is a found footage film inside of a found footage film combined with an anthology film. I have to say... that's pretty damn cool since those are two sub-genres I happen to really like. I'll go ahead and give a short run down of the stories in V/H/S with my own titles I've given them.

Redneck Cat Burglars: The connecting story of V/H/S. A group of petty criminals who pretty much get off filming themselves doing despicable shit look to step their game up into some higher crime and are sent to steal a special VHS tape from some old guy. They break in and find him dead, then weird things start to happen while they look for the tape. Meanwhile one member of the crew is watching tapes with the dead body as they search (that dude has some brass ones). This story is filmed with two cameras so you get to see both halves of the tale.

Slum-bro Party Massacre: Three young douche bags with a hidden camera set out to lure drunk girls to their hotel to gang bang and film. Gotta have some honesty here, I was really hoping these guys died in a super painful and awful way and was not disappointed. Some scenes here that will really make you cringe. Something I liked is that, as a sober viewer in comparison to the characters, you know something is wrong and see the danger a mile away. You get the idea of just how drunk and stupid these guys are. The moral of the story? Don't look to take advantage of women at bars.They might kill you!

Nope.

You Could Have Just Asked for a Divorce!: A married couple takes a second honeymoon through the American Southwest. It's boring as all hell most of the time until it turns into a weird snuff film. Though the violence in this story is so literally in your face and brutal, it really has an impact.

Hey, Wanna Go Camping at Murder Lake?: A group of friends heads out on a camping trip with a girl they just met, only to have it revealed to them that all her other friends that came with her died and now she's using these new friends as bait! Wow, that's pretty cold! A cool part of this story is that the killer is obscured by "tracking", so it just looks like an anomaly on the tape chasing them. The kills are pretty cool and there is a lot of great use of VHS effects.

Abducted and Pregnant: A young woman is plagued by odd bruises and phenomena in her apartment while web chatting with her med student boyfriend. This entire story is shot from the perspective of a webcam, which I thought was pretty cool. This story is short and creepy with a pretty good mind fuck ending.

Wrong House, Bro: Halloween night a pack of young men end up at the wrong house in search of a Halloween party and contend with some spooky goings on. When the shit finally hits the fan in this story the effects are nice and the cast does a great job of being scared. A really solid story all told, there's a pretty nice sense of dread through the whole thing.

I really enjoyed the whole experience. All the stories are solid and the grainy look of the VHS effects is wonderful. VHS is obviously the most evil of all recording mediums, just behind ahead of the laser disc. A couple of points to hit, this movie has a LOT of nudity and sexuality. Not in a distasteful way, but if you're a prude you may not much care for it. A bit of a theme in the movie is exhibitionism and voyeurism. But, there's a lot of creativity at work here with such an awesome concept and some really nice looking effects and makeup. There are some really visceral kills and some scenes that made me not want to look at the screen because I was scared of what might happen next. It's a solid horror experience.

Also, one thing this movie taught me. Even if you're being chased by some horrible monster, take your time on the stairs. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. I'm pretty sure stairs lead to the death of more horror movie characters than power tools.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 12, Return of the Living Dead

This is the most scary zombie movie ever made in my opinion. I'll tell ya why.

Everyone has a plan these days for zombies. The perfect hiding spot, weapons, escape routes. Well if the scenario of Return of the Living Dead plays out? Throw em away.

These zombies are fast. That's scary all its own. They never ever stop. Shots to the head won't do it. Dismemberment won't do it. The body parts just crawl their way around and keep killing. The worst and most psychologically damaging feature of this zombie breed. They can talk and they are smart. Holy crap.

This is the 80's. All of it in the same car.

Block yourself off in a secure building with everything you need. They'll be there. Droning on and on about how they want your brains. They don't get bored or sleep. Imagine that... They'll break you mentally. You'll eventually eat a bullet just to stop hearing the word "Brains". I think the idea that the zombies can do anything a living human can, except for the resist the craving for brains, is chilling. 

Return has some wicked special effects. The Tar Man zombie is outrageously gross and scary, probably my favorite zombie ever. You get a truly crushing sense of hopelessness as the characters can't figure out how to stop the onslaught. Hell, one scene messed me up forever about turning on my headlights at night (I always lock the doors first). A lot of care was taken in the effects and it shows, top to bottom its great visuals. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Return of the Living Dead might be the most fun of any zombie movie without trying to be funny. It's very different from the norm and had its own impact on pop culture. It's not nearly as serious as Romero's stuff and not as silly as Zombieland, so you get a pretty good balance. It's a classic and well worth your time.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 11, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

When we last left off, I was totally put off by the last numbered entry in the years spanning series. Before I started this, The Marked Ones was the only sequel in the series that had gotten me interested and actually wanting to go to a theater. But, seeing as I hate the theater and especially hate going alone, I didn't see it. Now I'm getting the chance. I was fully prepared for the parade of disgust to continue. Luckily, it was mostly positive.

":GASP: Where are all the rich white girls!"

The Marked Ones takes a big leap in setting and goes to a barrio in California. Instead of the hauntings happening in a pristine suburban environment, we now get to see everything in a tight urban area and welcome changes in scenery instead of being locked into a home interior. We're also fortunate in that the characters are totally different. They're funny, act totally normal for their age. Comes off as very natural. So, at least from a presentation stand point, things are looking up and feeling pretty fresh. The Marked Ones is also shot a little differently. The cast is pretty much a group of lower middle-class kids. So they don't have a ton of money to rig their whole house with HD cameras and junk. You mostly get to see the movie through one camera that a character buys in the first five minutes. There's also no watching people sleep for over half the movie or staring at empty rooms. There is always someone operating the camera.

Puberty for Jesse went horribly wrong.

We get to follow a young man named Jesse who's just graduated high school. You spend the first bit of the film learning about the people around him and his home. Just seeing him be a post high school kid. Everything starts getting interesting when Jesse and his best friend Hector start messing with the crazy old lady that lives underneath him that people claim is a witch. The boys film her doing a strange ritual in her apartment and not long after, she turns up dead and they see another boy they know leaving the scene. Well, being the curious youngsters they are, the crew investigates and soon start being affected by the supernatural. Mainly Jesse. Throughout the movie you also get to see ways The Marked Ones is connected to the rest of series, which they do in a neat way. Something I also appreciated is that it isn't the same old shit, objects moving on their own and all that. They go over the top and show off some of that budget they have. Instead of implied supernatural things, it's right in your face. There's no high tension, suspenseful horror at work, but damn if it isn't fun. I think there's also a bit of a drug addiction metaphor going on towards the middle of the movie, but it gets dropped once the supernatural is very obvious.

You will watch them talk to Simon for minutes.

Now, I'm gonna go out there and spoil the fate of our characters. Because if you've seen any of these movies you know what's gonna happen. That's right, the bad guys win for the fifth time in a row. The characters you've been getting invested in all die off camera and if you're lucky you actually see a body. I mean, I don't need the villains to get totally defeated. But I'd like for someone to make it out or something. Though they do take it to the bad guys a little. A group of gang members end up encountering a group of witches and shotgunning a few down which is a bit satisfying. In the end though, other than being interesting, the end is unsatisfying. That may be the only thing keeping me from totally loving this movie. But I certainly don't regret watching it and might even do so again.

So we have all the official Paranormal Activity movies out of the way and I'm really looking forward to the change of pace. So until next time, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 10, Paranormal Activity 4

This scene never happens.

So I've just been burning through these this week. Even looking forward to the next one in the series after the last is over. The first movie introduced the idea, the second expanded and improved on it, the third showed it all to us in a different way. So what will the fourth bring?

Did this come from the movie or are the FBI on the way to your house. We'll see!

A whole lot of the same shit. Paranormal Activity 4 brings nothing new to the table and follows the formula of the first three like a flow chart. Rich white people have a giant house and a camera fetish. Something weird happens. Someone sets up cameras everywhere and then even weirder shit happens. This time all the weird stuff is around a seven year old(?). Which they really really do their best to convince you is the weird kid for the purpose of a pointless twist later in the movie for the sake of having one. On top of that, all the characters are just pulled from the other movies and given different names. Not literally, but they are pretty much cut outs of them. The only new thing brought to the table here is that the fucking demon can use an Xbox. Let's talk about that shit a bit.

Welcome to Kinect vision, get used to it.

So. One thing they did really wrong here was have the demon keep the name Toby from PA:3 to this one. Not only that, the damn thing is playing Kinect Sports with the two little kids in the movie. They humanize this thing and it takes the other world and alien nature of it out of play. In one scene the plot makes it out like "Toby" is a servant of the child. Then it reveals that Toby is cool to you as long as you do whatever it says. So what is it? Is Toby chill and fun since you're the little chosen one or are you living in total fear that the demon will kill you, the little chosen one and reset all of their plans and deals? Oh what massive bullshit.

This scene never happens either. 

I guess I can also go into the actual characters and why and all that. Teen girl is getting fucked with by a ghost, so her and her annoying boyfriend (Sound familiar), decide they are going to play detective and record everything in the house on webcams in a few rooms. The only reason they even suspect a ghost is because they caught a shape moving in the infrared beams put out by a Kinect while using night vision on a camera. So, as you would expect, they use the hell out of that effect. There are people walking all over the place in these damn beams that almost give you a headache. Don't worry though, none of this or the characters matter. Wanna know why? Well if you haven't figured it out from the results of the first three... spoiler alert.... ya ready? Ok... ALL OF THESE PEOPLE DIE AND IT DOESN'T MATTER! I'm starting to get the idea that there is no real motivation to this story other than to extend out the series. I'm pretty tired of watching all these characters the movie spends 90 minutes getting me to care about die the same way over and over again. We've had in four movies, three people getting flung around and killed by the demon off camera and four getting their necks and back broken. Totally lazy. I could likely go on more about other lazy things that make no sense, but I'm done talking about this particular one. I'm ready to watch The Marked Ones and put this series to bed. Because unless they change a lot, it's gonna be a real bad time.

Guess what? Yep, this scene never happens either. 

Just watch the first three movies, there isn't much a reason to watch this one unless you really do like them that much and just need to know the story (which barely advances). Until next time, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

31 Days of Halloween: Day 9, The Den (2013)

The Den, an independent project that got a lot of positive word of mouth. I ended up finding it at Walmart of all places which I will not complain about. I'm finally caught up on reviews by the way. Got a bit rocky there, but things came out well. Woo hoo weekend!

So The Den has an interesting premise. Our main character Elizabeth is a young woman trying to get a grant to study a particular phenomena on the internet. The proliferation of video chat websites, more specifically one called The Den. Who's out there? Why do people do it? Why is it so big? After a bit of convincing, the board gives her the grant and so begins her journey into the depths of video chat. Things start off as you'd expect, but then take a turn in ways she could have never imagined after a series of mysterious messages.

Maybe the worst choice I've seen in any horror movie.

I'll confirm that as I had been told, The Den is a very accurate portrayal of the internet. Elizabeth meets some cool and personable people on The Den and also your average every day degenerates who just want people to watch them tug on it and other such things. It makes video chat rooms actually look fun! Mainly because she sees a thousand times less dicks than what you would in real life. You also kind of get the sense that the project or maybe even the interaction on the internet is replacing her real social life, she starts brushing off the real world more and more. I'm sure we've all known someone like that, whether it's from MMORPGs, social networking or things like that. Even the horrible comments on videos are captured in all their glory. These people did their research. It also plays with ideas like anonymity provided by such a place, the amount of hoaxed material and the underground trade of extreme or illegal material. I'm also going to point out how useless the police seem to be throughout the entire movie. They basically say, "Sorry, tough shit." to situation they completely identify as real and just brush it off. The police are so reluctant to help at all.

See, totally accurate.

The Den is creepy. The situation Elizabeth is thrust into is one where anyone can impersonate anyone. She can be watched anywhere and her own home isn't safe from prying eyes. A wrong click here or there and any stranger could have access to your camera, your videos and pictures. With computers and phones being our whole life at this point it's maybe the most physical representation of a person's inner self. Kind of weird to think about. The Den is a big winner this year. It's only just over an hour and totally worth the watch. It also ends in a way I didn't really expect. Any fans of horror will dig this a lot. Also, if you have the option, watch this on a PC. It seems like it would enhance the experience. A new review should be coming today. Until then, don't be afraid to be a little scary!