Fall Through My Eyes

Soon I'll be leaving for a small vacation and won't make another post for about a week. Because of that I wanted to leave a long post about my favorite time of year. Nothing academic, just how the Fall has always been for me. It's a special time of year.

Fall officially begins on September 23rd and runs until the Winter Solstice on December 21st. At least for Northern Hemisphere. This season has held a special reverence to me almost as long as I can remember. I'm not totally certain why this is. I did enjoy school as a youngster. Maybe the anticipation of the new school year. New people, new books, new rooms. The unique looks of the season has something to do with it. Even in the deep south the scenery would change a little bit, some more reds, browns and oranges in the treeline. Between the shifting weather and new school year, Fall was the herald of change. A twilight between Summer and Winter. That first smell of cooling Fall air added electricity to the atmosphere and things just felt different.

I think a person's enjoyment of Fall comes down to one thing, and it's arguably the most important thing in the season. Halloween of course! The signature Autumn festival in my eyes. Having two brothers, Halloween was a big deal in my house. Our parents were also very cool about it all. Scary movies, decorations, and all night trick or treating were encouraged. That's the number one reason for the season. I keep an ever growing horror collection, visit haunted houses when they open up for the season, and generally celebrate in any way I can. For me it isn't just a one day celebration, Halloween is a whole damn season. I do all the things I used to as a kid. With total glee, I browse the costume adds that show up in the mail and spend hours walking the aisles of Halloween stores. It's also a promise that there is a bucket of candy hanging around at all times even if I barely do eat the stuff these days. Halloween has seriously come a long way from when I was small(er). You can walk into a Halloween store these days and come back out with motion triggered animatronics, fog machines, strobe lights, gallons of blood, and high quality masks to terrify your guests. I'd go so far as to say that Halloween is only holiday that gets better the more it's commercialized. Not to say there isn't a huge amount of satisfaction in hand making a costume or building a scarecrow to loom from the bushes, maybe even rock gently in a chair on the porch.

Another special thing is how our tastes change when Fall rolls around. You won't be able to go into a store without seeing cider, a plethora of cinnamon spiced treats, seasonal candies and of course, the superstar of the show, pumpkin. Pumpkin is like glitter tossed into a ceiling fan, it will find it's way into everything and you'll keep coming across it for months. I have to admit, it took me many years to figure out why anyone would eat the stuff, let alone drink it. Now though, the understanding is there and it is impossible to imagine a year without that pumpkin spiced goodness.

Wherever you live, another thing is the change in atmosphere. There air is a little more cool. It's invigorating here in the south when you go outside at night and don't instantly feel sticky. If you're lucky you can even sneak a light jacket out at times. I feel that it's a preview of much needed relief from the harsh Summer that really puts a spring back in our steps. About that time as well, networks start pumping out their Halloween specials. All your favorite shows get spooky. Of course a yearly favorite is The Simpson's Tree House of Horror specials, these actually managed to cover being funny, scary and at times, disturbing. The other great television tradition for me is AMC's Monsterfest! At one point it was 31 days of wall to wall horror, but in recent years was cut back to around two or three weeks. It's still great even after the change, because very few channels change their programming like that for October. Monsterfest and Monstervision are the serious contributors to my love of horror films and specifically the slasher genre.

Maybe one of the biggest fixtures of Fall is the county fair, festival or what have you. The Fall festivals held at schools in my area were such a welcome departure from the days and days of busy work we were subjected to. It was a miniature, kid oriented carnival with no rides but plenty of games and snacks. A county fair though is a different beast. For teens it was more of a social occasion than festive (it's a small town). As long as I can remember the fair was a big deal, rides, questionable food, rigged games and fun houses. There were even live bands. I have memories of just sitting on the front porch listening to music drift over the trees from the fairground. It was much more quiet at night back then and we lived just a few miles from the fairground back then.

There's just so much to talk about and I could really go on forever, but I do actually have to sleep for my trip tomorrow. So I'm going to go ahead and slither into bed. Hopefully some of you share my nostalgia of Fall and everything that goes with.  Until I get back for my next review, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

Movie Review: Deadbirds (2004)

A movie that was put in my possession to review because it was filmed here in my hometown of Mobile, Alabama. It took me a while to get this one out for a few reasons. One being I got pretty busy and two it was just a tough watch. Not even because it was bad, it was more just middle of the road. Which means the entertainment value just isn't there. In horror you're either impressed at good craft or laughing at how corny it all is. This just doesn't give you much of that.

Deadbirds takes place in the Civil War south. Which I don't think it's ever communicated where the characters are. So our heroes (?) are a group of bank robbers who ambush a confederate gold deposit  being made in a small town bank. A shoot out occurs, during which a small child caught in the crossfire, for no real reason other than to be shocking. The cast is all a pretty generic group. You might even recognize a few faces. There is of course one black character, because we can't make a movie in the 1800s South without some casual racism and racial tension, even if it does nothing for the plot other than make me hate certain characters. In fact, if not for the one racist guy, none of these characters would have a single memorable trait. But, anyway. Our brave outlaws head for en empty house one of them knows about to lay low until the next morning. They encounter and kill what I can only describe as a fleshy potato with fangs and eye holes just outside the house. Even worse, the outlaws have killed a literal monster, I mean sharp teeth the size of an index finger and just assume it's a shaved dog... what the fuck? So, in spite of shooting down a hell hound, the gang heads for the house to hide out. From here things spiral out of control for the outlaws.

Is that Michael P.S. Hayes?

So, now we can talk about special effects. There isn't a decent one to be found here. From CGI to practical there is nothing of worth. The blood for the most part is CGI when a character is hurt and I honestly can't remember actually seeing a character die on screen other than a couple of times, and never anything more exotic than a gunshot. There is a part where a monster turns someone into dust, not really sure if it counts though. The monsters, wow the monsters. They look like something I could make with app on my phone, but I think the app might do it a little better these days. Hell, I think I might be able to edit, digitally alter and film a better movie on my phone... That might be a project worth trying one day. The scares you get here are also of the cheap and jumping variety. So, I guess what I'm getting at is it isn't scary at all.

Hello, you may know me from spooky internet adds. But I also suffer from erectile dysfunction.

What Deadbirds does do very well is have a spooky atmosphere. The house looks like a place you wouldn't be unless you had to and the storm that comes up provides the illusion that the outlaws are trapped. A droning and endless soundtrack does it's best to ruin this at every turn, but it isn't quite distracting enough to. The story to this movie is far too cool for the quality of it's execution. A deranged plantation owner in an effort to save his wife from a wasting illness sacrifices his children in a dark ritual he learned from a book of the dead (which one of the characters recognized instantly.) In turn though the twisted man is crucified and burned by angry town folk. The dark magics forever trap he and his family in the house where they are cursed with stupid face morph CGI forever. This could have gone somewhere.

Shaved dog? I can see it now that you say that. 

I pretty much only finished Deadbirds through a sense of obligation and more alcohol than should be remembered. It took two sittings that admittedly didn't hold attention. I can't suggest this movie to anyone unless there is just nothing better to do, which I can't possibly imagine what could be more boring. The best it could be used for is background noise. But if I had sum to up Deadbirds in one sentence, it would be this. Nothing fucking scary happens, the end.

Until next time. Don't be afraid to be a little scary.

Welcome To My Nightmares: Volume 1

This article is going to be a little different. For anyone who knows me well, they know I have a lot of nightmares. It's been this way for a long time. This week I had a very vivid one that I retained a lot of, so as a little experiment I'm going to type it out and see if it's entertaining. So, here we go.

I blink and find myself standing on a balcony overlooking the interior of a large home. To my right there is a curved staircase with a white banister leading to a hallway, the plush carpet is inviting, but in the same way the bright colors of a fly trap is to an insect. Behind me is a bedroom, a twin bed is pushed on it's long end against the wall across from the door, a love seat and a rocking chair sit in the corners. A door in the same room connects to another bedroom with two twin beds opposite each other and a dresser on the far end. Looking down into the house, I can see a living room with a half circle of large plush couches facing an impressive flat screen television. Adjoining that is a kitchen, all white tile and chrome. Pristine, immaculate, fresh from the showroom. Directly beneath me is a dining area. Dark metal chairs with white cushions surround  a metal and glass table. The far wall of the dining room is dominated by glass doors and floor to ceiling windows. It is night outside, a black umbra, impenetrable to my eyes that almost seems to have a crushing weight, ready to shatter the glass inwards. The compulsion to explore is impossible to deny and I stride down the stairs. The house is very quiet, no hum of lights or central air, it's very strange. Brushing past the kitchen I make my way to the living area to stand behind the couch. The remote for the television sits on the cushion in front of me, I reach and pick it up. Nearly that same moment, I throw the remote down and dash for back for the bedroom. I slam and lock the door, piling the bed and chairs, then move to the next room and pile it's furniture.

 Why had I reacted like that? Sitting in a far corner with my knees drawn up to my chest, the realization hit me. For some reason, I knew without a doubt that I was alone in the house. But there had been something right behind me as soon as I left the stairs. It had followed me into the living room and got almost close enough to touch me before I fled. It made a token effort to chase me, like it knew I didn't truly have anywhere to go. That it would just have to wait. I made mad runs for the kitchen to get supplies, but each trip out the door took more courage. I felt like every time the door opened something was in the spaces I couldn't see and the in the shadows too dark for my eyes to pierce. Each time they got closer, just around each corner. They waited patiently to creep up within reach of me. Did they want my flesh, my fear, or both? They seemed in no hurry to make a move. At night, I would awaken to the blaring of the television, tuned in to horror movies at unreasonable volumes. The screams of the actors were previously an amusement, now though they were nerve wracking. I wondered if I to would have a chance to scream? Sometimes, also, very lightly at odd hours, the door knob in the next room would rattle. Something was trying the handle, just in case I'd become careless.

It was only after what I assume had been days that I noticed the sun had not risen once the entire time. The small windows of my sanctuary had not once shown the rays of the sun. Speaking of the windows, they wouldn't budge an inch and no matter what I hit them with, they refused to shatter. Days later, to my horror, the door knob to my room started being tested and when I finally built up the courage to investigate, everything was undisturbed. My barricade was perfectly in place. Could the things reach me whenever they wanted? Sleep didn't claim me for what felt like forever. When my eyes fluttered open though, I found myself in the living room facing a hissing vampire on the television. How did I get here!? There was no time to consider, ponder or think. I sprung up and ran, feeling the hands grasp for me. Reaching for the wall to aid my turn I rounded into the hall. The sound of feet padding behind me motivated my sprint. Reaching the stairs, my arm shot out for the banister to propel me up, the carpet on the stairs felt like thick oatmeal slowing down my stride. The balcony seemed to stretch on forever but I eventually reached the bedroom door. I grabbed the handle and pushed... the door didn't move. Locked and barricaded, just like I left it. There was nowhere to go and I could feel It descending  on me. Closing my eyes and slumping into the door, I awaited my fate.

The next time my eyes opened, it was dark and I was in my own bed. The nightmare was over.

Movie Review: Oculus (2014)

With Oculus releasing on DVD and BluRay this coming Tuesday, I figured it wouldn't hurt to share some of my opinions on it to help you make a decision on whether or not you'd like to watch it. I got to see it in theaters and have been saving this one for a little while. Mainly because I didn't have a blog at the time.

I'll start you off with a couple of pieces of trivia. Oculus was filmed in my home state of Alabama, which isn't too typical of mainstream releases. It is the most successful film both critically and financially that WWE Studios has attached itself to. The film itself is based on a short film by the writer/director called, Oculus: Chapter 3 - The Man With The Plan. Also you can actually purchase the Lasser Glass online at Pier 1 I believe? I can't quite remember.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most doomed of them all?

The plot of Oculus centers around two characters, Tim Russell, who was institutionalized after a traumatic family incident and his older sister, Kaylie Russell, who avoided the crazy house and believes a haunted mirror is the cause of the incident from their childhood. Tim has been recently released by the recommendation of his doctor and Kaylie has found the mirror and wants Tim to help her destroy it. Kaylie is easily one of the most dislikable characters in a movie ever. Instead of valuing the happy life, career and, family she has now, the very first chance she gets, Kaylie risks it all and Tim's recent sanity to fight a haunted mirror. Now if you had no knowledge of this movie other than that description, what would you think? She literally picks up her brother at the institution and the first thing she wants to talk about is the mirror. She guilt trips him with a promise he made after weeks of mental torture as a child while being carried away by the police. Tim on the other hand has moved on and has a rational outlook about what happened to them as children and wants to leave it all behind. I just realized though that I'm forgetting to mention the most interesting character in Oculus, The Lasser Glass. This thing has a history and rap sheet that would make the killer from Seven jealous. You get a full dose of it's known history, yet you still want to know more about the story of this glass and it's true origins.

This for real scared me while I was looking for images. Enjoy!

So the meat of Oculus is our heroes getting hold of the Lasser Glass through Kaylie's job as an antique broker and taking it to their childhood home to expose the mirror's nature, confront it, and then destroy it. Through an elaborate plan, along with timers, rigged traps for the mirror and backup plans, Kaylie is sure of success. But when she informs us about the mirror, it's history, it's victims and what she believes it's powers to be, which is the ability to control the perception of those around it, we as an audience know that Kaylie and Tim are truly fucked.

His face sums up what you'll be thinking when she goes over her plan.

A bit of an undertone I drew from Oculus, is that it's a metaphor for mental health and care. Tim receives therapy and treatment to get past his traumatic childhood and strives get past it to become a happy and healthy person. He understands it was all rational and an unfortunate situation. Kaylie though slips through the cracks. She is never treated, rarely talks about it and holds on to resentment and vengeance towards the object she believes caused it all, The Lasser Glass. This unchecked mental state eventually leads to her self destruction. It made a lot of sense when I though back through how things play out in the movie. The idea that Kaylie is haunted by ghosts from the past is very literal.


Oculus is a fairly scary film with some real reality bending moments. Many of the scares happen because something is just casually there or happening as opposed to just jumping from around corners or out of the darkness. Though Oculus does have it's fair share of that, but it's used sparingly and doesn't feel super cheap. The special effects are also pretty good with a mix of CGI and practical that the crew used properly and in the right places. The Lasser Glass' ability to alter perception and almost reality is used effectively too, just not as well as it could have been. It makes events a little hard to follow in parts, since at one point you're watching events play out in two different times.

They should have called a guy who knows how to break glass.

All said, Oculus is a better than average horror movie that could have been better with the tools the creators had, but is perfectly fine. It's also subdued enough in gore and content the closer to teenage members of the family to watch, but I wouldn't go much younger than 12 or 11. Expect a sequel in the future for sure with how big a hit this was in the box office, you'd have to be as crazy as Kaylie to not follow up on it. I certainly hope for something of at least just as good quality. So at the very least, hit up your Red Box and check Oculus out of it, it's a really entertaining 90 minutes and scares on a more surreal than gory level. Hopefully you like at as much as I did. Until next time, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw 3-D (2013)

Oh wait. Wrong bad movie.

It isn't often that I see a movie that makes me feel totally outraged. I feel like getting worked up like that unless it's for comedy is a waste of emotional effort. But Texas Chainsaw 3-D is a movie deserving of every bit of angry focus that I can deliver. This is a testament to why a remake shouldn't be possible without consent of a still living creator. Let's just dive into this Texas sized shit pile and get it over with.

The first thing I notice of course is that Texas Chainsaw has four stars on Netflix. I question who the hell is watching this movie and leaving anything more than a burning bag of feces on the director's door step. The other noticable thing is that Texas Chainsaw is written by the same dynamo that brought us Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, the lowest point in a series that is noted as never really having a high point (but I still love them, yes yes yes I do). Also as a contrast it was made by Lionsgate Studios who made the much better movie I last reviewed, See No Evil, please go watch that instead. The opening credits is a series of highlights from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) as a recap. They commit the sin of reminding the audience of much better movies than the one we're actually watching. There is also absolutely no concept of continuity it shares with the movie it's supposed to be a follow up to. The window of the Sawyer home should be broken from where the only survivor jumped through it and escaped. Now here is where it gets stupid, after the events of the original, the police show up to the Sawyer home to take Leatherface in. Now, this should not be happening because the opening narration of Texas Chainsaw Massacre implies that no murderers were ever found and in another swoop they erase Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 from existence, which is just unforgivable. But, anyway. The whole Sawyer clan decides they aren't giving up family and end up all shot down in a gunfight with the mob that shows up outside their house. One of the Sawyer women crawls from the burning house with her baby, she is killed and her baby stolen by one of the mob for he and his wife to raise.

That's right. You traded insane Dennis Hopper for this crap.

So, if I wasn't saying what the fuck already it's about to get even worse. This movie willfully ignores the rules of time. 39 years pass. 1974-2013 go by before we see our main character again, the infant child taken in 1974. She is in her mid-20s... What the fuck? She should be 40! I'm not sure if I should be insulted, because the writer was either so lazy he didn't care or thought the audience was too stupid to notice. Which is where I will talk about our cast of victims. They are god awful. Only one of them is a half way decent person and he's killed in the most brutal way. The rest are cardboard cut outs of shitty 20-somethings with no real character traits other than being young and attractive, her best friend and boyfriend are also the most piece of shit characters to be on a screen. The women of this movie exist purely to  wear short shorts and show skin and thus the movie is zero amounts of interesting as you wait for some to please get fucked by a power tool. Also the hitchhiker they pick is another handsome young person who, like all hitchhikers do, turns out to be a total shit bag and attempt to steal from the idiots who leave him alone in the nice house with items worthy of stealing. The rest are redneck and country stereotypes that aren't worth noticing. Which brings me around to a point I forgot, this movie has a plot. Our main girl discovers she is adoped when a relative passes and leaves her this sweet estate to live in. So she and her friends go there after ignoring a letter that came with the notice. Just remember that.

Looking good for 40. Am I right?

So they end up at the house. They leave to get supplies and hitchhiker is stealing everything he can fit in a backpack. He then stumbled upon the most poorly concealed secret door in history and goes into a basement where he finds... Leatherface. Who should be almost 70 at this point but looks just as giant, spry and strong as he ever did. Fuck this movie. Well, this guy gets beat to death with a hammer. But that's not before he discovers a dead that is somehow in the fucking house that should have been looked over by the police when the residents died! So the kids come home and shit goes down hill real fast as random teen #4 goes into the basement and get jacked up by Leatherface. Then the main girl gets captured and random teen #4 gets chainsawed in half on a meat hook. She gets away because, reasons.  She then meets up with her friend and boyfriend who have just been banging in the stables and they attempt an escape in the van that shows the stupidity of these people. Leatherface slices the tire and the boyfriend is killed in the crash and the best friend is taken by Leatherface while the main girl books it. Leatherface gives chase and leads to what should have been an amazingly bloody and violent scene at the state fair. But instead Leatherface runs through a crowded fair with a chainsaw, killing no one and the crowd appears to not even notice the giant, flesh wearing man swinging a fully revved chainsaw. This movie was bad before, but really, fuck this movie.
So then you go on the stupid spiral of discoveries that she's related to Leatherface and the cops try to use her as bait to lure him out to kill him. They are beating Leatherface to death in a meat packing plant and the main girl feels sympathy for her relative and helps him to beat the mean old cops and mayor who want him dead.  That's right folks, this movie is trying to make you feel sympathy for the murdering, cannibal, rapist who wears people's faces as clothing. Leatherface is supposed to be the anti-hero. Texas Chainsaw 3-D is just trash on so many levels. The worst part of it all, the main character finally reads the note she's had all movie about three quarters of the way through which explicitly tells her that her cousin (which is actually her uncle but this movie is stupid) is living in the basement and will protect her if she takes care of him. So all the terror and murder could have been avoided by reading. If that's not enough to just make turn off the movie in disgust, I don't know what is.

So with all that said, the special effects. They aren't very memorable at all and none of the kills are particularly interesting. They are mostly rehashes of the kills from the original movie. In fact it strives kind of hard to be just like it in as many ways they can get away with. Even recreating shots from the original. There's really not much to say.

Run, Leatherface! Run to a better movie!

There isn't a reason I can see for why this movie made a dime over it's budget. Leatherface could have written a better script with his chainsaw on someone's body.  The original story was so much more intersting and would have been filmed with a Kill Bill or Pulp Fiction style structure. It was scrapped in favor of this script because it was "Too risky" to go with. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Texas Chainsaw 3-D was made by someone who had never seen the 1974 version. No one did this for love, art or respect for the work of Tobe Hooper. It was just a cheap attempt to feast on the corpse of the series just like the Sawyer family it depicts. I can't suggest this garbage to anyone, even for a good laugh. It's just not worth anyone's time.

Me at the end of Texas Chainsaw 3-D

This week to celebrate the DVD release of Oculus, I'll be posting a review of it, to maybe convince you to give it a shot if you missed it in the theater. Also a few articles about the fall season are incoming sense it's a time of year I just adore. So, be watching for it and don't be afraid to be a little scary.