Movie Review: Deadbirds (2004)

A movie that was put in my possession to review because it was filmed here in my hometown of Mobile, Alabama. It took me a while to get this one out for a few reasons. One being I got pretty busy and two it was just a tough watch. Not even because it was bad, it was more just middle of the road. Which means the entertainment value just isn't there. In horror you're either impressed at good craft or laughing at how corny it all is. This just doesn't give you much of that.

Deadbirds takes place in the Civil War south. Which I don't think it's ever communicated where the characters are. So our heroes (?) are a group of bank robbers who ambush a confederate gold deposit  being made in a small town bank. A shoot out occurs, during which a small child caught in the crossfire, for no real reason other than to be shocking. The cast is all a pretty generic group. You might even recognize a few faces. There is of course one black character, because we can't make a movie in the 1800s South without some casual racism and racial tension, even if it does nothing for the plot other than make me hate certain characters. In fact, if not for the one racist guy, none of these characters would have a single memorable trait. But, anyway. Our brave outlaws head for en empty house one of them knows about to lay low until the next morning. They encounter and kill what I can only describe as a fleshy potato with fangs and eye holes just outside the house. Even worse, the outlaws have killed a literal monster, I mean sharp teeth the size of an index finger and just assume it's a shaved dog... what the fuck? So, in spite of shooting down a hell hound, the gang heads for the house to hide out. From here things spiral out of control for the outlaws.

Is that Michael P.S. Hayes?

So, now we can talk about special effects. There isn't a decent one to be found here. From CGI to practical there is nothing of worth. The blood for the most part is CGI when a character is hurt and I honestly can't remember actually seeing a character die on screen other than a couple of times, and never anything more exotic than a gunshot. There is a part where a monster turns someone into dust, not really sure if it counts though. The monsters, wow the monsters. They look like something I could make with app on my phone, but I think the app might do it a little better these days. Hell, I think I might be able to edit, digitally alter and film a better movie on my phone... That might be a project worth trying one day. The scares you get here are also of the cheap and jumping variety. So, I guess what I'm getting at is it isn't scary at all.

Hello, you may know me from spooky internet adds. But I also suffer from erectile dysfunction.

What Deadbirds does do very well is have a spooky atmosphere. The house looks like a place you wouldn't be unless you had to and the storm that comes up provides the illusion that the outlaws are trapped. A droning and endless soundtrack does it's best to ruin this at every turn, but it isn't quite distracting enough to. The story to this movie is far too cool for the quality of it's execution. A deranged plantation owner in an effort to save his wife from a wasting illness sacrifices his children in a dark ritual he learned from a book of the dead (which one of the characters recognized instantly.) In turn though the twisted man is crucified and burned by angry town folk. The dark magics forever trap he and his family in the house where they are cursed with stupid face morph CGI forever. This could have gone somewhere.

Shaved dog? I can see it now that you say that. 

I pretty much only finished Deadbirds through a sense of obligation and more alcohol than should be remembered. It took two sittings that admittedly didn't hold attention. I can't suggest this movie to anyone unless there is just nothing better to do, which I can't possibly imagine what could be more boring. The best it could be used for is background noise. But if I had sum to up Deadbirds in one sentence, it would be this. Nothing fucking scary happens, the end.

Until next time. Don't be afraid to be a little scary.