Movie Review: See No Evil (2006)

To Continue with the wrestlers in horror movie theme it seems right to watch the WWE production, See No Evil, starring Glenn Jacobs (a.k.a. Kane, The Big Red Machine, The Demon Kane, Corporate Kane, The Devil's Favorite Demon, Fake Diesel, Isaac Yankem DDS) as Jacob Goodnight. A brutal and deranged serial killer with a tattoo and bondage fetish, at least this is what the movie leads me to believe. Let's dive into this thing!

"Where the fuck is my pyro?"

 See No Evil has some grimy, dirty looking sets. They show you this very early in the credits to get you ready for it. Jeez it's filthy. This movie ain't fuckin' around either. Within the first five minutes before the credits even fully finish someone is hacked to death, another gets his arm cut off, a woman's eyes are torn out and another person is shot in the head. I also couldn't help but giggle at the director's name when it showed up here, you ready for this? Gregory Dark. This guy is trying very hard. From here though you begin too meet your cast. They are a group of juvenile delinquints whom I was begging the movie to start killing and I swear one of them is a forty year old man trying to pass for a teen. None of them are important or memorable and mostly jerks. There are a couple of point where they try and make the characters human, the women somewhat have characters and back story, the men are two dimensional dick heads. They are also massive idiots, with one group even following a treasure map of the hotel to their dooms, I'm pretty sure it shows up for no reason, but I was too blasted to really notice. I'd almost say this movie is like if the Scooby gang went to Oz. Not the magical land, the prison Oz.

"Ah. That's better."

About this point I noticed the musical score. It's a rap/hip hop deal and I have to say that it kinda works. The beats to the songs have a bit of creepy feel, just a touch of the spooky. I think it was a good risk that a lot of horror movies try but fall flat on. So now our cast is loaded up on the bus like so much meat and sent to their final resting place. A Death Hotel that would make H.H. Holmes proud that they have to fix up to reduce their jail time. This is a place the caretaker claims has hidden passages and two way mirrors. No normal person would fuck about in this place. A side note here is that if you watch this, I'm pretty sure there are just two roaches humping each other in the scene they arive. What the fuck, movie?

"I just wish someone would kill these assholes."

 This building is an awesome setting for a horror movie. It's like a dirty labyrinth and the minotaur is a seven foot tall pervert/murderer. They use some interesting camera work to make things look unreal whenever Jacob Goodnight is on screen. I'd almost call it jerky, but it's a little more than that, can't really place it. Glenn Jacobs is also really great it in his role. Gigantic, creepy, excellent facial expressions and imposing presence wherever he goes. Also being an athlete he doesn't look out of place chasing people and attacking them. Just a great fit. I believe him in this part.

"So the pointy end goes in the teens?"

The special effects. A big deal for me. They are great. Jacob Goodnight rips people's eyes out with his bare hands and it is visceral and gross. I'd actually say every bit of violence in this movie is. He takes no prisoners. The guy you think is the hero? Goodnight wastes him in five minutes. His own mother? Bashes her face onto a spike for being too much of a bitch. And when he digs that hook into people? Ugh. It all looks fantastic on the screen. Another thing I really appreciated, there aren't really any jump scares. The scenes where Goodnight shows up in a surprising place, he just walks out of a door or comes out of a panel. It's his house and he just walks where he damn well wants and it's way more effective that way. He almost kills these people with the casual aura of a guy getting the mail. There is also an amazing scene with a fire hose that I loved. You'll know what I mean. They were very creative with all the kills. There are actually some nice little details in See No Evil for you to spot.

"Hey, you're not Katie Vick..."

The plot isn't deep. The acting from the victims is average to terrible. It has a twist so telegraphed that I saw it a mile away, even with a good amount of beers running through me. But on the whole I really liked See No Evil. It's stupid fun and a pretty original feeling slasher. I couldn't help but enjoy everything I saw on the screen. It also doesn't force you to sit and wait for the action. There aren't any dull moments. There is also a sequel that just had the trailer revealed. I'm excited for it too. Go pick this one up for a watch, if you like slashers you could do so much worse. So to keep myself from rambling, I'm gonna go look up more horror with wrestlers because it's been damn entertaining. Until next time, don't be a afraid to be a little scary.

Halloween in July: Getting Your Fall Fix

It's a special time of years in the Northern Hemisphere. The air starts to get a bit more cool and crisp, maybe enough to bring a jacket out at night. Speaking of night, those start to get shorter. The sunsets pair strikingly with the darkening, falling leaves that crunch and clatter pleasantly with every step. Naturally, because Fall also heralds the Halloween season, many scary movies are set during this time of year. I'd like to highlight some that truly capture the unique atmosphere of the season and help ease those who can't wait for it to get here. Thankfully we don't have to wait much longer.

Halloween (1977)

Easily my favorite slasher movie. That is owed certainly to how well Haddonfield is shot and the look of the town. The trees are only slightly browning and errant leaves blow with the chill wind across the ground. Jack 'O Lanterns and trick or treaters add to it all. But a big thing I enjoy is how empty and isolated the locations feel. Many shots of houses on the street appear to sit alone in the night, despite knowing the other homes are right there. There's such a masterful use of lighting in Halloween that the darkness feels like a character itself.

Trick 'R Treat (2007)

Let's skip ahead thirty years after Halloween. If Halloween had a too subdued depiction of Fall for you, Trick 'R Treat takes it to another level. A must watch movie every October, this anthology style film revels in the season and setting. There are people in costume all over the place and bags of candy, jack 'o lanterns glowing with menace and piles of dead leaves in almost every scene. At times in scenes you might even mistake the crunch of dry foliage for that of bones scattered across the ground. Heavy emphasis is also placed on myths surrounding Halloween night, you know... the bad ones we hear every year. The ones we hope aren't real...

Hocus Pocus (1993)

You may have heard the screeching tires of the left turn we just took, bear with me. Now just as I start to type this out I realize that I have a lot to say about this one. A review is certainly in the future. While not so much a horror movie, it does have a fairly sinister edge at times for a Disney production.  But, because it's Disney, this is a beautiful film. All the outdoor scenes were filmed in Salem, Massachusettes in full Autumn majesty and the extras decked out for Halloween really serve to put you in another time and place like only Disney can. A fun fact to add to this, Hocus Pocus, despite normal reasoning was a Summer release. So weird.

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991)

We're just gonna stay on this road another minute or two if you don't mind. Say what you want about the Ernest movies, but this one is a gem. The most surprising thing  is how incredible the monsters look. The prosthesis and animatronics wouldn't look out of place in a more serious pure horror production and many of those don't even match this quality. Work on the sets is also stellar. The old witch's house, the foggy forest and many others really give you the idea that there is a supernatural history about the town that's been forgotten by it's citizens. Sure, it's light on the scares, but it more than makes up for it in setting and mood.

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Alright, alright. We're back on the main road, just a little detour on the scenic route. This may seem like a strange choice at first glance, but the name alone is evocative of Fall. Add to that a seriously spooky set design and one of the most amazing animatronic monsters I've ever seen and it all makes sense. I can't imagine watching Pumpkinhead and not thinking of October. You come for the monster and Lance Henrikson, but you stay for the the fog, lightning and twisted trees that really bring it all together.

With any luck these suggestions can keep you nice and calm until the leaves start to change, it's coming soon and we just have to wait a little longer. Before we know it, Halloween stores will be opening and the costumes will be on the shelves. But not long after that the Christmas stuff comes out, then things get really terrifying out there... So until next time, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

Review: Wrestlemaniac (2006)

 It is no mystery that I'm a big wrestling fan and for years I never really considered the idea that pro wrestling could cross with my love of horror. Well thanks to a coworker, I was introduced to my first step into this world, Wrestlemaniac (Also known as El Mascarado Massacre)!

I grabbed a couple of Modelo Especials to make the right atmosphere, domestic beer just wouldn't do it for this one. So, the plot of Wrestlemanic. A very very amateur porn crew goes down to Mexico to film the GREATEST PORNO EVER! Though in their quest for a great location they end up in a ghost town who's population is a murderous super luchador. Pretty basic, but it's a slasher with a different twist, so I don't mind something simple.

The two of spades, the two of spades!

The cast, let's talk about these people. After a rather lengthy opening credits, which do show some sweet Mexican wrestling shots, I get about five minutes in and realize I hate all of these characters. I will give you their description and as much development as the movie gives you. Douchebag who looks like a broke ass Lemmy from Motorhead. Fat Nerd. Stoner. Drunk skank. Contortionist skank. Skank skank. These are your characters. They cannot be killed fast enough and honestly don't get killed fast enough for my liking.  The hero of your movie is El Mascarado, a luchador made from parts of other luchadors by the Mexican government who went ape shit and started killing people. Dude is damn scary and played by Rey Mysterio Sr, the Uncle of multi-promotion wrestling star Rey Mysterio Jr.

Look at those eyes. Damn.

This is a modern exploitation film if I've ever seen one and it's awesome. It's a little grainy, the characters are stupid enough to throw away the map ten minutes in, gratuitous shots of asses in tiny shorts and a little bit of boobage. If this played at a drive-in back when they were popular, no one would have thought it was out of place. I'm not comparing it to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but it has the same kind of look to it if you're familiar. It even has the scary and gross stranger, but instead of warning the kids away from Murderville, actually named El Sangre Di Dios, he just gives them directions there! Thinking back it's honestly pretty funny. But then they get the bright idea to film their porn in Murderville, so can you really blame the gross stranger? He did the world a favor.

I guess exploitation isn't all bad...

The kills, that's what we all came for. They take a long time to start happening and you also don't see most of them. but the ones you do see are pretty brutal. The first two kills are off screen and you discover that El Mascarado follows the old ways of wrestling and takes he opponent's mask when he beats them. So he's just straight up ripping faces off. The first kill you get to see is lengthy and brutal, this dude gets the crap kicked out of him and face beaten in on bricks for minutes. Very satisfying. Fat guy attempts to wrestle the science experiment wrestler with predictable results, but you don't see any of him getting brutalised. There is a kill via back breaker, which is fairly sweet and crunchy sounding. So you know though, no one makes it out of this movie. 

The special effects vary drastically. One guy after his face is torn off just looks like they put Chef Boyardee on him to make the effect. Others though are just gross looking with full musculature visible and everything. One thing that's common though is that the face removal scenes are all great and nasty looking. El Mascarado is Leatherface if he were a luchador and keeps a gallery of stolen faces. Wow... that's pretty bad ass. The most lengthy kill is of course the most bloody and you see broken teeth, blood pouring and hear the sound of teeth against brick as faces get smashed. I'd give them a general thumbs up.

No Booker, we need those for Wrestlemaniac

I'm pretty sure there is one Mexican in the entire movie and it's El Mascarado. This movie takes place in Mexico. There are a few pretty decent chase scenes and one of them has some good and tense moments. I would have preferred a faster jump to the kills and seeing more of them, but it's hard to complain when Wrestlemaniac is 75 minutes long and without credits it's mostly likely just above an hour. The end is also sudden and pretty awesome.

All in all it isn't the most shining example of the slasher genre, but it does pay homage to the movies that inspired it. There is even a Vorhees Cantina in the town they go to. I'd say Wrestlemaniac is worth checking out. It's short, probably would make a pretty decent party movie to get everyone warmed up for the next movie. If you have a free hour, check it out. Until next time, don't be afraid to be scary. Also check out our Twitter https://twitter.com/SinisterUA_Blog

Deliver Us From Evil Review

Current Release Review: Deliver Us From Evil

The first thing I want everyone to know about this movie. Save your time and cash and don't worry about it in the theater. It is really not worth a bit of that experience. Wait for the DVD. So let's get started.

As I sit here with a glass of whisky staring at my notes with a good night to sleep on what I just watched, something occurs to me. Deliver Us From Evil had a lot of excellent components and chances to do something really spectacular with it all and just doesn't do it. It almost feels like it didn't know what the hell it wanted to do so tried a bit of everything. 

Deliver Us From Evil centers around Sgt. Ralph Sarchie (the name of the real life cop whom the events are supposedly based on and later became a demonologist). Sarchie is a by the numbers movie cop. He spends too much time at work, is distant from his wife and kid, damn good at what he does, has a special "radar" that leads him to crime, and has a dark guilt that weighs on him. Sarchie and his partner take a few cases over their shift that wind up being connected and have an eerie feel about them.  I have to say the best thing about Deliver Us From Evil is the actors. Everyone is really giving it a good effort and it shows. Eric Bana and Joel McHale are  believable bad ass cops. The only person in the cast who isn't really doing anything is Olivia Munn, she's totally pointless and hopefully she got a decent check for doing nothing.

The premise I described, in my opinion is very good and can be really fun. The problem is they do nothing new with it. Sarchie meets a priest who tries to tell him that a rambling crazy woman who threw her kid into a lion pit at the zoo is possessed by a demon. This leads into the standard nonbeliever becomes a believer character arc that you see in nearly all haunting or possession movies. It's almost enough to make you roll your eyes. If not for Eric Bana the character of Sarchie would just be terrible.

So now I will lead you through the movie experience, there may be spoilers. So if you really give a shit about this movie I'd turn back now like I should have at the box office.

Firstly, the scares. It's what we all come to the movie for. There is one good one that isn't even as scary as it should be due to lack of context at that moment, which I'll talk about in just a second. Tension in Deliver Us From Evil is in real short supply. Strap in for a ton of lazy jump scares all delivered by animals. It takes until maybe half way through the movie for anything wi th two legs to try and scare you. Though the best one is a scene where Sarchie is checking his daughter's room for a scratching sound and looks in a mirror only to see a bloody screaming man crawling over his sleeping child. This is on it's  own fairly chilling, but add the context that the man he sees is a child molester/murderer that Sarchie beat to death years previously. Now that is some scary shit right there. Whoever wrote this though figured it would be better put in a cheap scare rather than build to something that should have been rather intense.

The acting. Like I mentioned before. I have nothing but positive things to say about this area. Eric Bana is great as a New York cop who's seen a lot of bad shit. He even looks the part very well. Joel McHale who plays his partner (who damn if the name escapes me right now) is also top notch as a funny and bad ass mofo. Edgar Ramirez plays a priest who eventually joins the two cops on their investigation and is the character I enjoyed the most. He's not some old coot priest that hangs on and can't do anything, he's a young guy who joined the priesthood after almost dying from drug overdose. He's got a bit too much of the Vulcan calm going on, but the character is a refreshing change.

Another great thing. The tone of this movie pulls no punches and is very very dark. The first time you meet Sgt. Sarchie, he is giving CPR to a dead infant he found in a trash can. This tells you already that Deliver Us From Evil is not fucking around. New York is rainy, dirty, dark and gloomy. People are thrown from buildings, bled out through major arteries, and corpses pop like overripe fruit. Why not, I'll even bring up the effects. They are awesome Everything looks good, from the practical to the CGI. I never once thought the makeup or anything was cheesy or phoned in.

A few things I really didn't know how to categorize that I didn't like about Deliver Us From Evil. There is one scene where Joel McHale encounters one of the possessed characters in a stairway carrying a hatchet. Instead of drawing a weapon and shooting him, McHale pulls two knives and has a knife fight in the stairway. While this scene is really well choreographed and bad ass, it makes no damn sense and really doesn't fit the tone of the movie. Another odd moment is our heroes are using a pair of thermal goggles that I'm pretty sure the Predator would be jealous of with moving reticules and distance information, that shit is almost science fiction. There are a also a ton of public domain sound effects, which is a small gripe, but still very lazy.

The last thing I will talk about though is the final scene of the movie. Sarchie and the Priest have perform a exorcism/interrogation of the main possessed bad guy. If the whole movie had been as creative as this one scene it might be one of the best movies of the year. There is a real struggle and sense of desperation in what the protagonists are doing there and it feels like a big deal. This whole scene may be worth renting it when Deliver Us From Evil comes out.

Overall... I'd have to say I recommend Deliver Us From Evil as a rental on a boring night. Not something you should run out and see. Even if you never see it, you aren't missing much. It gets a few things right, but the all the shitty jump scares at the beginning really turned me against the whole thing. I kind of wonder what happened to just being scary instead of throwing shit at the screen for 90 minutes?

I guess all there is left to do now is finish my drink and wait for the next horror production to hit theaters. Be looking for another article next week and don't be afraid to be scary.

For the first official article I think it would be appropriate to talk a little about where my enjoyment of horror movies and the like started. How my imagination was captured and brought into, what was to me, a new world of entertainment possibility. I want to talk about the humble and nearly extinct video store.

The death of the video store really is in a way the end of a golden age in movie fandom. There was a certain amount of excitement you felt walking into a video store (which for me was Movie Gallery) on a Tuesday when the new releases dropped and seeing rows and rows of VHS tapes just waiting to be discovered.  Now yes, today we have Netflix, Amazon, Hulu and many other services that put nearly any movie you want right in the palm of your hand, literally. For me though, it doesn't compare to walking those aforementioned rows looking for nightly entertainment.

Each step was a world of new genres and my only guide was how awesome the box wrapped around that movie was and if it enticed me to pick it up, the short description on the back. That's right, no stars, no, "suggested for you" or reviews at the speed of your smartphone. You either had word of mouth or how bad ass that box cover was. The other great thing was that no two video stores had the same stuff. Sure, sure. Your usual place had C.H.U.D. But the one a few miles away? Those guys had C.H.U.D. 2! Until then you may not have even known about that!

While availability  and accessibility are so much better than they ever were then and I don't feel nearly as pissed when I accidentally watch something beyond redemption, that certain kind of magic really isn't there for me. I wish there was some way I could share it with people who never felt it. I sit here and wax nostalgic for the movie experiences of my much younger years, but I still love all the streaming goodness. It's way cheaper than renting multiple titles at a time and no one misses those outrageous late fees. Mystery may be gone from your selections, all the reviews and ratings can save you valuable time you could use on a more appealing and entertaining experience.

So to close this article about, "The good ol' days." I'll just say this.  The past was grand, but the future is bright. So bright in fact, I might have to wear some shades.

Very soon I'll be putting up a review article, I just have to decide about what. Of course I'm always open to suggestions. Until then, don't be afraid to be a little scary.

The Maiden Voyage Of This Here Ghost Ship

Image from Ghostbusters 2

This has been a long time coming, but now it's here. A blog to contain movie reviews, articles and various ramblings about the horror genre or style of entertainment. Of course it won't just be about movies but also anything spooky and interesting. I have a lot of articles sitting around and hope to have a steady stream of content. If we're all super lucky a few guest writers will pop up from awesome people I know. The mission for this blog is simple, to entertain. Movies won't be judged for their merit as say... an Oscar worthy film, it'll be about how much fun they were to watch. Friday the 13th and The Godfather are light years apart cinematically, but I'd rather sit down and watch camp councilors get butchered for 90 minutes than follow the heavy drama of the New York mob scene for 120 minutes. You can just switch off the ol' brain and have a good time with it. So, sit back, relax, we're gonna have a real fun and spooky time together. Articles are coming soon and I hope you like 'em.